Tiny wonders.

To Do.

No matter what i do, i can’t block out the base from my neighbours techno this afternoon, kinda like a niggling thought you are trying to avoid, or a feeling even… yeah, it is actually a feeling.

Stuff is complicated, why am I so complicated? Just when i think i know what i need to do and i do it, i realise that its not all, just a part of the “bigger” me… And i am left feeling frustrated and disappointed that yet again, i haven’t solved the mystery of myself.

Life is good right now, I have so many things that i feel happy about, and i do, i feel happy… But i lack contentment… i really must add that to my calendar this month.

My tonsils are as big as tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my son’s first full day at childcare. He is 19 months old, so he has only been around for a short time, but in that time, from the day he was born, he has gained 11kg, grown 31cm, managed to comprehend the english language and is even able to talk… today he said “fish”. Yesterday he took direction to go and throw something at his pappa, the day before that he tasted play dough for the first time and didn’t stop pretending to spit for about 20 minutes. Today we swam at the beach, tomorrow he will be with someone else.

This is the first time that i won’t be with my son for a full day. I have been looking forward to the space, it has been so long since i’ve had a day to do as i please without working around a routine of food, play, sleep etc, but this is heavy stuff, it’s hard. I’ve had ginormous tonsils for almost 2 weeks now. I feel excited but i also have an overwhelming sense of guilt… Is it too much to ask of such a little person? 

I know in my heart of hearts, that without this change we would both be worse off, but it still aches.

I am two parents in one, i have learnt to love my son as much as two people would, I share the love for my son with myself, and with him. We are a unit, a small family, but we feel huge.

I hope tomorrow is going to be ok.

That is me crying, and they are my mum’s arms holding me. I like to think that things got better from that point on.

It occurred to me recently that as an adult i have ended up with quite a few tiny body parts, none that are overly recognisable but i know they are there… And it humors me.

My eustacian tubes (the tube that runs from your ear to your throat) never fully developed into adult size, i know this because recently a doctor put a camera up my nose and told me how unlucky i was. The last trip i took to the dentist, i was told my mouth was very small. A couple of years ago my sister noticed that the nails on my two little fingers are completely different, one tiny, one normal size. When giving birth, i think i heard the doctor use the word tiny. I have a small head, small boobs, and i developed the nick name Tiny Tiny Tiny.

And so, these are my tiny wonders…